First, a
disclaimer: This post is not designed to
discourage, shame or otherwise disparage those who have gone through
divorce. While I hold that divorce is a
terrible thing, it is not the worst thing.
Sometimes divorce is the only thing a person can do. Rather, this post is written as a word of
exhortation and encouragement to those who may be struggling in their
marriages. All married couples struggle
to a greater or lesser degree. The
endlessly-romantic marriage free of serious conflict is a myth. It is worse than a fairy tale for there are
many who actually believe this myth and are, therefore, ill-prepared to deal
with the very real struggles of being united to another sinful human being.
I have written this in
response to the news of someone’s divorce and the way it was announced. I hope it is useful to some to provide some
added strength at a time when they may feel so weak that it hardly seems worth
trying anymore. This essay does not
cover the legitimate reasons for divorce; that is not its purpose. I will say up front that I do not think
anyone is required to live in a truly dangerous situation. This is not written to encourage people to
stay with dangerous spouses.
************
I use Facebook….a
lot. I connect with my friends there and
keep tabs on some of my family. I have
three grandchildren who live far away, and Facebook lets me watch them grow up
more than I would be able were it not for all the nice pictures posted
there. I also follow several
people, groups and organizations. One of the people I follow is a Christian
musician. He and his wife have produced
some great music together and separately.
I have been brought to grievous tears and wonderful joys by their
music. I have been emboldened in the
faith and had my understanding of the gospel clarified and confirmed. I have advocated their music to many of my
friends and a good many of them also enjoyed their music. I have watched them perform live at least
twice.
Today, I was going
through my “newsfeed” and saw these words posted posted by the husband of that couple, “It is with great sadness that we
announce that after 13 years our marriage has come to an end.”
I was somewhat
surprised and greatly disappointed. I
tried not to be cynical. I read some of
the comments people had to say in response.
Some were good, some were mean, some were self-righteous and others
seemed to treat the announcement with a sort of self-righteous grace that
forbids anyone from passing any judgment on the divorce.
It took me awhile to
realize why I felt so uneasy about it. I
am not ignorant of the reality of divorce among true believers. Divorce may represent a horrible inconsistency in two believers who have vowed before God to remain married, but the truth is, believers are not all that consistent! The Scriptures do not teach us to
excommunicate divorced brethren either officially or unofficially. Sometimes divorce is legitimate. Sometimes divorce is a great sin, like
the other great sins of which God’s people may be found guilty.
But, something beyond
any disappointment over the fact of the divorce was nagging me. Then it occurred to me. Note how the announcement of the divorce was worded:
our marriage has come to an end. It
sounds almost gentle, passive, a little melancholy to be sure, but an
unavoidable conclusion. It is worded as
a difficult but dignified joint decision.
They tried, they gave it all they had, but it just wasn’t meant to
be. They were not divorcing. They were not actively involved. Their marriage came to an end.
I hate it when
politicians try to couch their failures in pretty words. Their sins are called mistakes, poor judgment, a lapse. One politician, when asked about rumors of
his infidelities, famously answered, “I have brought pain to my marriage.” That sounds so much better than , “I
cheated.” “I exercised poor judgment,”
sounds so much better than, “I acted like a pervert.”
But, as much as I hate
it when politicians speak like that, it is what we have come to expect. But believers? Are we who believe supposed to couch our sins
in politically-correct, soft jargon?
Yes, we sin, but dare we multiply our sin by softening its name? Why did they not say it as it is, “We have
decided to end our marriage”?
I do not want to press
this too far for I realize we have heard this kind of talk for so long we may
think that is the way we should speak.
Plus, it is not necessarily the couple who wrote up the announcement; it
was likely a publicist. The couple,
themselves, may be very remorseful over what has happened. Maybe their own words would have been much
more plain. But the form of the announcement points out a disastrous attitude
that has crept into the church of the Lord Jesus. I am not surprised to find this attitude in
the world but it is sad to see it in the church. There is only one way for a marriage to come
to an end and that is for the life of one or both of the participants to come
to an end. So, for this couple, their
marriage did not come to an end, they simply decided to stop being
married. They have put a stop to their
marriage before it reached its end. That
is what divorce is: the destruction of a marriage before it reaches its end.
For a thing to reach
its end means that it has achieved its purpose or run its designated
course. Let me illustrate. Often when churches sing a hymn, they do not
sing the entire hymn. Maybe they think it too long or one or more of the stanzas
do not fit their doctrine, so they do not sing all of the hymn. Now, imagine a
hymn of four stanzas. The song leader
says, “Let us stand and sing the first three stanzas of hymn number so and so.”
The congregation stands, sings the first three stanzas and sits back down. Someone may describe that with the words,
“The hymn came to an end and the people sat down.” But that would not be accurate. The hymn did not come to an end, the
congregation simply quit singing before the hymn came to its end.
And, when two people
divorce, their marriage did not come to an end, they simply quit being married
before they got to the end of their marriage.
In divorce, marriages do not fall apart; one or both of the participants
destroys it.
There are cases in
which one of the participants has done all they can to build and maintain the
marriage but the marriage has been destroyed by the other partner. Sometimes the abuse becomes so bad that, as
bad as divorce is, staying together is even worse. But, I am afraid we have so softened the
concept of divorce by the words we use to describe it that people see it as no
big thing (or not as big a thing as it really is) and, therefore, they are not
pushed to the limits of their endurance to try to make the marriage work. They hit some troubles they are unwilling to
work through or around, and they say, “Our marriage has come to an end.” The result is not just sin, it is the
destruction of something that could have been good – something that, with the
grace of God, might have been salvaged to the benefit of all involved. Instead, the easy way was chosen, kicking the
problem out of the way rather than facing it head on and solving it.
Let me make another
illustration. A few days ago I decided
to take some time off to relax a little.
It may seem strange, but I find it relaxing to drive around in areas to
which I have never before been. So I
drove through the country for awhile, finally arriving in the NW section of
Sioux City, IA. I turned off the main
road and began to drive here and there in the residential sections enjoying the
architecture of the houses, both classic and modern. On a few occasions, I came to a dead end in
the road. I was near the edge of town,
so some of the roads simply quit. Instead of facing pavement, I was facing
weeds. So, I turned around and went
searching for another road to drive on.
The road had come to an end but my journey had not. I did not throw up my hands in desperation
thinking my relaxing trip had been ruined by the dead end. I just sought another route.
It may be that some of
you have come to a dead end in your marriage.
The both of you are in a car, so to speak, looking at weeds rather than pavement. You may be thinking, “This is not what I
signed on for. This is not
fulfilling. I’m just going to get out
and find a car going the way I want to go.”
Stop right there! This may be the end of a road, but it is not
the end of your journey together. Turn
back, find another road and keep going. Keep
looking for a different road until you die or the other person quits. But, don’t you quit. Don’t say, “Our marriage has come to an end,”
when, in reality, you have simply come to the end of one road. Maybe you took a turn you should not
have. Maybe you were just not paying
attention. Maybe you were put in the
passenger seat and, more or less, got to this point through no fault of your
own. Then use this occasion to talk to
the driver and encourage him/her, not to quit, but to find a different path.
Some of you may have
come to the end of Romance Drive, and you think it signals the end of your
marriage. Romance has come to an end so you think marriage has come to an end. You remember how thrilling it was when you
first met and how wonderful the early days or even years of your marriage
were. There was excitement. He/she “made you laugh.” But now, life is rather hum drum. You are knee deep in children and bills. Most nights end with exhaustion and falling
into bed and to sleep with quick succession.
As the years go by, he looks less like Prince Charming and she no longer
resembles Cinderella.
But, have you noticed how
the story of Cinderella ends? Cinderella
ends just as the romance begins. Why is
that? Well, first, because the conflict
of the story has been resolved and the moral of the story properly
revealed. In literature, once the
conflict is resolved, the story is supposed to end. But there is another reason the story ends at
the beginning of romance: married life
is too boring for anyone to read. I
don’t know anyone whose day-to-day life I want to read about. The picture of Prince Charming putting that
slipper on Cinderella’s foot is great, isn’t it? But, despite what the story says, they did
not live happily ever after. They had their struggles. I can see
the same scene some several years later.
Prince Charming has a paunch and Cinderella is not in a gown but a worn
out robe and as Charming bends down to help her put on her fuzzy slippers, he
notices her feet are dirty, calloused and smell bad. That’s when a real marriage starts.
Admittedly I have
spoken with a little humor to illustrate the point. But life is not usually humorous. It can be very tiresome. Marriages can become stale relationships
devoid of any enjoyment. But, that must
not signal an end. Rather, let it be, at
most, an alarm, a warning that the present course is wrong and needs
changing.
But, more than this,
give up on the romance myth. Romance is
nature’s trick to insure the survival of the species. I am not saying it is bad or that we should
not enjoy romance when it is present or seek it when it is absent. But recognize it for what it is: transient feelings. Romance is fickle and changes with the wind; love is unchangeable and enduring. I can say that I fell in love with my wife
the first time I saw her. However, it
was not until sometime later that I began to love her. Since that time, I have fallen in and out of
love with her countless times, but, I have never ceased to love her. Being “in love” with someone is a self-ward
thing, a feeling of desire for something.
Loving is an other-ward thing, a determination of the will to do good
for love’s object. I love being in love
with my wife, but I am determined to love her. Maybe you have come to the end of being in
love. Fine. Now start loving.
Another reason for
divorce is often described as, “We have just drifted apart.” This is a change of metaphors: cars don’t
drift apart; boats do. But it is a good
metaphor for it points out, not only the problem but the reason. You cannot drift apart if you are in the same
boat. If you have drifted apart you never truly married yourselves one to
another or at some point, you disconnected your lives from one another. Marriage begins with vows and a physical
union, but it is supposed to go on to a union of lives, an entanglement of
destinies. I suppose that children are
the best example of this: no single person can make a child, it takes two and
that child joins them. A child is a true expression of the "one flesh" concept. But a child is only
one expression of what it means to be "one flesh." All of us know those who are so united in their marriages that you can hardly think of one without the other. You almost never speak of one without the other. They are, for all intents and purposes, one person. But those who “drift apart” have
failed to stay joined in the pursuit of life.
They each went their separate ways, unwilling to give up any of their
own ways in behalf of the other. They
did not pursue a shared destiny and one day they looked up and found they were
no longer near one another.
Have you drifted
apart? Then, do not give up. Row! Put up a big sail! Go full throttle on
the engines and full speed ahead back to one another. Tie your boats together. Better yet, embark
in a single boat. Work together. Chart a
course together. Through calm seas of
boredom and troubled seas of unbearable trial, stay together! Is your ship swamped? Work together to right it. Bail together. Keep it floating. Someday, you will be glad you did.
So far I have mentioned
those matters which generally arise from simple selfishness. It was not so much that the couple did
something positively wrong, they simply did not pay attention or did not give
effort to doing the right thing. But,
what of active harm to the marriage?
What if one of the partners cheats, breaks his/her wedding vows and
commits adultery. All the record of
human history speaks with a single voice that this is the deepest of personal
betrayals. The violation of the marriage
bed is the most egregious of violations.
Seeing that marriage is the pinnacle of human relationships, the
violation of that relationship is the pinnacle of violation.
But, not even adultery means that the marriage has come to an end.
Something, indeed, has come to an end, but not the marriage. Trust and all that goes with it has been
broken. Sexual unfaithfulness has
brought many to the end of the road on their marriage. But it is not and end of
the marriage.
In most cases, the
infidelity is in only one partner, but sometimes both have strayed from their
vows. However, though they have broken
their vows, that does not mean that the marriage formed by those vows is broken.
Nor does it mean that it cannot be fixed with trust restored and even something
better than before built up.
What should you do? Let me give my advice, based on what I have
heard from others: If you are the
unfaithful one you must completely cut it off with your illicit partner. I do not care how long it has gone on or how
deep your emotional bond has become. It
is over. Done. End it.
It should never have started and there is no justification for continuing
it. If God has been pleased to keep you
infidelty secret and no one else knows, keep your mouth shut. Especially, do not unload your guilt on your
spouse. If he/she does not know, allow
them to remain in blissful ignorance.
However, if they do know and confront you with it, do not try to lie
your way out of it. That will only
increase the sense of betrayal. Confess
it and ask for forgiveness. Do
everything you can to restore the bond of peace, trust and love. Return to your vows. And, whatever course your spouse chooses, you
must remain faithful. Do all you can to
rebuild what you have broken down and ask God for grace to help you. You are definitely in a time of need.
(Hebrews 4.16)
If you are the one who
has been wronged: This does not mean
your marriage has come to an end. No
doubt you feel terribly betrayed and are likely hurt and angry enough for
violence. If you were to take this as a
destruction of your marriage and initiate legal proceedings to dissolve the
legal union, there are not many who would fault you for it. Not even the law of God would fault you for
it. And, if you want to be under law,
you are free to pursue that course.
But, if you are under
grace – if you claim the forgiveness of sins through the blood of Christ – then
there is a much more glorious course for you to take: forgive even as you have
been forgiven. You are hurt beyond
healing – or so it seems. But, your pain
can teach you something: it can teach you how awful your own sin is in the
sight of God. (note: I do not mean that
you share in the sin of your spouse’s failure as though it is partially your
fault – only that all of us have sin before God). Until now, you knew something of God’s view
of your sin for you have been given grace to see the wrath of the Judge
satisfied in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
But there is more to our sin against God than the mere violation of the
command of a King – it is a violation of our vows to our Beloved. Every sin is a betrayal of the God who made
us, loved us and redeemed us with the blood of His Son. Our sin hurts Him. God put it in human terms. As the Father is grieved by the waywardness
of a son, so is God grieved by our sin.
As a friend is overwhelmed with sorrow by a betrayal (think Judas) so is
our God brought to tears, as it were, by our sin. As a husband is broken by a wife’s
unfaithfulness, so was our Redeemer broken for our sins – every one of
them. I think of the scene at Lazarus’
tomb. It is written that Jesus wept. There has been endless speculation over why
he wept. Maybe the answer is complex,
but I think it must include our Lord’s great grief over the sin that brought
death – the sin that separated Him from His beloved and required His death to
heal the breach.
You who have been
cheated: how great your hurt must be!
Know that your sin has hurt your heavenly Bridegroom as much or more.
Seek to be restored to Him by His grace and know that He will not turn you away
though your sins and betrayals are many.
And, fresh with the knowledge of your sins forgiven, forgive your
earthly spouse of all the hurt he/she has heaped on you. Forgive, not just in the sense that you will
not force them to go away. Forgive them
in restoring to them all the rights and privileges of marriage. Using the
language of Scripture, have your spouse defiled the marriage bed? The sooner you restore them to the marriage
bed, the sooner it will be a pure bed again. Restore trust. At the cost of our own vindication, set them
up once again as the love of your life.
You may say, “I can’t
do that.” That is likely true. But, I do not call on you to use your own
strength to do it. Rather, relying on
Christ, Who loved you and gave Himself for you in order to forgive your sins,
forgive this sin your spouse has committed against you. If you forgive as God, for Christ’s sake has
forgiven you, you will not regret it.
This essay could
continue for many more pages covering many more of the multiplied problems that
people face in their marriages. But, all
can be summarized in this: Let your marriage
come to an end; don’t stop it short of its end.
I cannot guarantee a Hallmark Channel ending to your efforts. But, however things pan out, you will be glad
that you did not quit, that you let your marriage run its designated course and
achieve its assigned purpose. And, if
both partners work at it, and God gives a full life, the time will come when
you will look across the room at someone to whom you gave all your devotion and
effort – and you will be glad you did.
